Wednesday, October 28, 2009

32 Week Appointment

By a miracle, I didn’t gain any weight this past month. The doctor was very happy and I was relieved. According to my scale at home, I had gained 3lbs over the weekend. I was perfectly maintaining weight all month, until this past weekend. I was sweating it out, but the doctor scale smiled upon me today. I didn’t even have to bribe the nurse!! LOL!

Today’s visit was just the usual measurements and listening to the heartbeat. She is perfect and beating at 146bpm. The doctor was very happy with that. We talked about my freak out episode last Wednesday and he laughed a bit. He agreed it was just paranoia.

TMI – She has been sitting on my bladder full time for the past 6 weeks. Feels like intense pressure on my vagina. It hurts when I walk, sit, stand, try to move in bed, lift my legs, put on my pants, socks, shoes, you name the activity and it hurts. Not a make me want to cry and take pills kind of pain, but a severe discomfort pain. I constantly feel like I have to pee, even when I don’t have to. So it is getting hard to determine when I really have to use the potty and when it is just my precious sitting on my bladder. I mentioned this to the doctor and he said the only relief for that is delivery. Oh Boy! Another 8 weeks of this! LOL!

The other important conversation we had was what to do if the baby doesn’t come by my due date. My biggest concern is not so much having the baby by the holidays but the lack of support I would have at home. My mom and sister are flying out from Miami specifically to help me those two weeks of Christmas. If I am a week late, I will only have the extra help for a few days. I am petrified of having this baby and being all by myself, without a support system. (Hubby will be home, but also working part time.) God forbid I have a c-section and have recovery issues and am by myself. I had to ask if he is willing to move things along if she hasn’t made an appearance by the due date? He said he is fine with my delivering the baby at 39 weeks or after, as long as my cervix looks good and is ready for delivery. So, new prayers are in order for a good ripe cervix at 39 - 40 weeks! Cheers!

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Meltdown and The Patient Husand

Paranoia set in pretty hard this week for me.  Since Wednesday, I hadn't been feeling well.  No real symptoms, just feeling off.  I think it was just pure exhaustion.  I have been so dedicated to work, and not getting enough sleep.  (Still having those half night sleep sessions.)  I had noticed that I hadn't been feeling the baby move as much on Wednesday, at least not with the intense movements where I can see her kicks jump my belly.  I mentioned it to the hubby, but he brushed it off as my imagination.  I did spend most of the day sleeping and probably was too tired to notice anything.

That night, I woke up at 3am with full on set paranioa and was headed straight for a meltdown.  I was convinced she wasn't moving and something was wrong.  I got out of bed, walked around the house for 15 minutes, drank a glass of OJ, hopped around, did whatever I could think of to get her to move.  30 minutes later, nothing.  I panicked.  I went back to bed, in fits of tears and the hubby woke up.  The trooper that he is, got out of bed to help calm me down.  He has to be up in 2 hours to get ready for work.  He was so patient with me, even though he thought I overreacting.

We both read in one of our baby books that the babies respond to light in the womb, so he got up and found our heavy duty flashlight and started shinning it on the belly.  NOTHING.  Daniel poked and jiggled and squished my belly and nothing.  I was lying on my side, convinced that since I was sleeping on my back that I cut off her circulation, so doing anything to restore her oxygen supply.  Daniel got me a glass of ice water and I chugged it down.  Almost immediately, we started feeling some taps.  Nothing intense, but a few little movements to let me know she was okay.  It was the most stressful hour of my life.  Daniel said the next purchase this weekend was going to be one of those at home heartbeat dopplars.

Normal people would have called the doctor right away, but I wasn't sure if it was me being paraniod or not.  I couldn't remember for the life of me when I felt her last.  Damn that failing pregnancy brain and memories.  I can't remember anything.  Daniel was sure that he said I was feeling her move when we went to bed.  I didn't remember that conversation, but that doesn't mean it didn't take place!  So needless to say, I recommend recording or journaling movements as often as you can, so you have something to refer to.  I announce to the hubby whenever I feel movements and the time, so he can quote me back later.

The next day, Holly was back to her very active and intense kicking, hiccups and yabba dabba do time.  She has been that way all weekend.  We did go to BRU this weekend and bought the heart dopplar.  We couldn't really hear anything but a couple of beats and then swooshing.  The box said it would it be a very faint sound, and could only be picked up if the baby was in a good position. It also mentioned your body weight may have an affect on the readings as well.  So I wouldn't bother wasting the $25.  It was the cheapy Graco model. 

Wednesday, October 21, 2009


Hi Friends,
Sorry this is so long, but I wanted to give you an idea of what we experienced on our TTC journey. 

One of the things that bonded Daniel and I together so quickly was the fact that we wanted to get married and have kids as soon as possible. We were not afraid of the commitment and we were in a good place in life at the time. We still lived in Miami, both had great paying jobs, and making plans for saving for our first home. It was a picture perfect life, minus the baby.

One month after the wedding, I went off birth control. I was on Depo Provera, also known as the birth control shot, and had been on for only 6 months, since I met Daniel. I had used Depo Provera before, with a previous relationship, which ended, as did the shot. I heard many horror stories about the shot and TTC afterward. Typically, it could take up to 18 months after stopping the shot to get pregnant again. It takes that long to work the hormones out of your system and get your reproductive organs moving again. I didn’t think it would be an issue for me, as when I went off it the first time, my periods returned to a regular cycle 3-5 months later. I had only been on it this time around for 6 months, how much damage could it really have done? Little did I know….

Preparation started, buying pregnancy books for plus size women, baby name books, taking the vitamins, and fantasizing about our future bundle of joy. My periods regularly returned within 3-4 months and I was super excited. I was clueless that even though my period returned, I wasn’t ovulating.

For the 6 months, I would take a pregnancy test at the slightest possible symptom of pregnancy. I was obsessed with it and should have bought stock in the company who makes Clearblue Easy test kits. Each time a negative result and the next day or so my period would start; a disappointing reminder that we were not pregnant.

I went back to reading my pregnancy books and realized that I need to make sure I was ovulating. I read that I was supposed to experience an egg white type of discharge at ovulation, which was a good indication of when we were supposed to be trying. I remembered getting this type of discharge years ago, before birth control, but nothing since going off, either time. So I bought one of those Clearblue Easy Ovulation Kits and on a daily basis, was supposed to test to see if I was ovulating. The first month, I was pretty consistent and realized I wasn’t ovulating. From that point on, I kept testing my ovulation, but not daily, as instructed and got tired of watching.

At this point, we were coming up to our first year of marriage. I decided that a year was enough of trying and it hadn’t happened yet, because of the shot I was on before. I would stop taking ovulation tests and stop taking pregnancy tests every month, until I hit the 24 month mark. If after 24 months, we still didn’t conceive I would go to a Repro Endo and get tested for PCOS and infertility. Another reason why I thought it was a good time to not obsess was because we were about to make a major life move, across the country, to California.

In July 2008, Daniel and I packed up our little place and moved ourselves and our lives to California. I was offered an amazing job and was ready for a new adventure. This also meant we were no longer living the perfect life we had back in Miami. Daniel wasn’t able to find a job for a year after we moved. Money was tight and dreams of home ownership were put off for 5 years. The cost of living, being so far away from friends and family made the thought of having a baby on our own super scary.

Fast forward 6 months after the move and one day, I noticed the egg white discharge! Holy Smokes, it this what I think it is??? I immediately went home after work and attacked my husband. We got really excited, and took the test right when my period was due and NOTHING. Uhhh!!! But at least I know I was ovulating!

We kept trying each month, when I noticed the discharge and wasn’t successful. I decided to keep trying, but to continue to not obsess with taking the tests. To keep our mind off it, Daniel and decided to start working out and eating right. We had all kinds of exercise equipment lying around the house and I got a brilliant idea….

They say when you are TTC you should raise your hips, prop up on a pillow, keep your legs in the air, etc. after sex for several minutes to help those swimmers get to their destination. I tried it all, but never worked. One night in March, I decided to try something new; using our stability ball. Daniel brought me the giant blue stability ball, and I propped my legs up on it and raised my hips. I was so comfortable in that position, that I stayed there for 45 minutes while watching tv and snuggling with Daniel. We were laughing at my hair brained idea, but it was worth the try.

Well, I gotta say IT WORKED! It was towards the end of April, when I Daniel noticed I hadn’t gotten my period yet. He became the calendar for me, so I wouldn’t obsess. LOL! My brother in law and his pregnant girlfriend were staying with us for a week and Daniel and I had baby on the brain. I had resolved to not take the test until our 2nd wedding anniversary, April 29th. But the more I thought about it, the more I thought I could be pregnant. I did have one lonely test in the cabinet and what was the harm in trying.....No Way I Don't Believe It Is A Plus Sign can tell the rest of this happy ending. :)

Tuesday, October 20, 2009


Hi All,
I have had the past two weeks from hell.  Working 15 hour days, most days and on off times just collapsing and resting. My feet are super swollen and I have been eating like crap the past day.  Luckily, it appears I haven't gained any weight since my last appointment.

So tonight, I am going to catch up on some blog reading, watch Biggest Loser and hopefully, tomorrow I will be back refreshed and ready to post something good.  :)

Take Care,

Monday, October 5, 2009

A Little History

I know so much about all of your by reading your blogs and archives, that I thought it was only fair to give you a little history about me and my journey to mommyhood.

I have been heavy my entire life.  I always thought my weight was holding me back in life, but in reality it was me holding myself back.  I should have been more self motivated and confident. Instead I was just hosting my own pity party.  I had tried all the diets, with the most successful being my stint on Phen-Fen, getting me down to 240 lbs.  My highest weight is now, 334, as a pregnant woman.  I got easily bored, overwhelmed or distracted on these different diets or lifestyles, so I would just stop doing them.

I never dated much, but then again, I didn't put myself out there.  In my late 20's I had a revelation and decided to start a new life.  I created a list of things I needed to do, and finding a boyfriend was one of the first things on the list.  I started using internet dating sites to find my first boyfriend.  After one unsuccessful long distance relationship, and a few frogs, I finally met the man of my dreams.

Daniel and I met via, and it was an instant connection for us.  We dated for 6 weeks, got engaged and married 3 months later. A whirlwind relationship, that finally made me realize what it means when people say, "when you know, you know".  We have been married for 2.5 years and can't wait for the next 50.  We both gained weight after getting married (don't we all?), bringing me finally to over 300lbs.  Again, starting and stopping the weightloss rollercoasters to loose and gain the same 25 lbs over and over again.

My plan after the baby is to start a new blog, that focuses on being a new mom, trying to get down to a healthy weight, where I am comfortable in my own skin, and just life in general.

I love cruising, watching tv, going to the movies and spending time with my DH and the fur babies. (2 mini schanuzers, Kayla and Klaus). 

I'll end it there, so I don't keep boring you... LOL! 

Next post will about our TTC journey.