Today was a tough for me. I know that I easily get upset and worried about things that are beyond my control, but I can't help it. I feel like I am the only one worrying about these things and if I don't, who will?
Today, I decided to start calling daycare programs to see who had openings for a 3 month old in April or how long the waitlists are. I have never lived in a place where daycare was so full and difficult to get into. Well, each place I called had waitlists at least 8 months long and wanted a minimum of $150 to reserve a space on the waitlist. I started to panic, because I am not sure what I will do come April if none of these places pan out. I am preparing for the arrival for a baby, so I can't exactly shell out $150 to 10 daycares in hopes I make it into one of them. Hormones and emotions got to the best of me and I started to cry. A lot!
I was a mess for a good long hour. My husband and I moved out here to CA for work. I am thousands of miles from all family and friends and have no one to lean on. I don't have the luxury of my mother or MIL living blocks away and can take on the baby for us. I just have me and my husband. I am not leaving my job and I don't want Daniel to have to either. (Plus, I am not going to work with him staying home. That would just drive me nuts.) I was upset with myself for taking the job out here and leaving our support system. Was I stupid to make this move? All my emotions started pouring out. Uncontrollably. Damn hormones! I was never much of a crier, but now, I easily drop tears. (I cried over a paint stripe in the nursery for heavens sake!!)
My husband keeps saying we will find a way, not to worry about it now. My mother said the same thing. Do they have a point? I can't sleep at night worrying about what is going to happen in April 2010. So many events have to take place and life changes with every twist and turn, that by April 2010, any decisions I made today, September 2009, could be irrelevant.
I just have this overwhelming need to have my ducks in a row. I am definately a planner, but am I taking it to an extreme? Maybe the lack of daycare availability is a sign that scenario isn't the best for our family. Maybe this is a sign that I should be seeking other alternatives. It took a while for me to calm down, but I eventually did. I know there are alternatives out there and I will find the right fit for us and the baby.
I guess the point of this is, I consantly worry now. I was a worry wart before, but now it is 100 times worse and my reactions are even worse. I get a little mopey all over things that I cannot fix or handle today.
Tonight, I am reminded of the movie "Knocked Up", when Seth Rogan screams "F-You Hormones!" and that is exactly how I feel tonight. F You Hormones!! Stop making me nuts, irrational and emotional. I want to sit back and enjoy this process, not be freaked out and paranoid all the time.
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